When I sat down in my 8am biology lab during my junior year of college and rolled my eyes at the over-zealous front row-sitter, I didn’t know much about love. When the blue-eyed, box blonde who was meticulously highlighting the midterm study guide but wearing mismatched boot socks sat next to me in the library the night before our exam, we exchanged glances, half smirks, and no words. Two months and another semester away, I saw her in a campus bar singing along with the band in a simple black dress with her hair atop her head. She saw me and a look of familiarity instantly spread across her face.
Midnight drinks at the bar turned into AM bagels the following week. 5 minutes of talking after class turned to 30 lingering at the classroom building when she offered to drive me back to my apartment. I can’t remember what triggered the conversation, but sitting at the red-light just past the campus perimeter she confidently said “I’m a liberal and a feminist and I hope you can deal with that.” My first reaction was to laugh because the red tinge of embarrassment that warmed her face seemed as if she had just let her darkest secret escape in a fit of rage. While my go-to F word wasn’t exactly feminism, I played along to see what she had to say about this revelation. “You’re a fratty, duck boot-wearing Republican who’s probably been trained to fear girls like me. You’re totally my type.”
Since our bio lab, I’ve learned a lot: She’s an amazing cook who loves to write in her spare time, but only lets people read a fraction of what she puts into words. Her wardrobe is bigger than my mom’s – which is hard to do – and she will take the long way home to finish listening to her playlist. She hates running, falls asleep reading, and will take every opportunity to hang out in airports. Her phone language is set to Spanish, she has the world’s worst sense of direction, and she can fall asleep literally anywhere. Bourbon is her preferred adult beverage, she calls herself a mom to her seven-month-old dog, and uses song lyrics as Instagram captions.
The next few months we spent together nestled either in the corner of a couch or the corner of a bar, I began to see the contradictions. Robin Thicke and anything associated with him is the bane of her existence, but she raps every word of any song Drake is featured in. She pins vintage diamond rings, and retweets comments about being afraid of commitment. She hates her own last name, she begs everyone she knows to vote, and won’t call a cab alone. She thinks yoga is overrated, would never put a bumper sticker on a car or get a tattoo, and has gone rounds with Tinder. She talks of dismantling the patriarchy among other marginalizing and socially constructed institutions, but cries real tears at the thought of a less-than-perfect GPA. She calls me after class to vent about her “close-minded, conservative” classmates, but she loves the gun range and is afraid of moving out of her hometown. She secretly binge-watches Teen Mom, but doesn’t want kids. She attends anti-violence rallies and advocates for victims of sexual assault, and she’s never missed an episode of Law and Order SVU (that’s 375 episodes, people). She makes it clear that the checks are separate when she’s angry, but talks about us going to her high school reunion in 20 years. She’s a beautifully complicated, overwhelmingly affectionate, passionately involved, and intellectually intricate feminist – and so much more. I love her.
Inspired by Jessica Valenti’s chapter, “My Big Fat Unnecessary Wedding and Other Dating Diseases”, in Full Frontal Feminism.
Blogger Feature: Raewyn of Be a Warrior Queen
Raewyn, of Be a Warrior Queen
With goals of women’s empowerment and teaching self-love, Raewyn’s site tackles some of the more complex parts of feminism such as breaking down stereotypes and being true to yourself and your own identities. Be a Warrior Queen has articles catering to many interests, although the most interesting are on love, relationships, and motherhood – definitely not parts of a real feminist’s life. Raewyn reminds us all that the most important thing at the end of a day is to love yourself and trust your own judgment. Doing good for others and embracing change and difference make feminist an attainable identity for all.
